How to explain ‘gay marriage’ to your kids!

SPEED READ: This short version — with gifs — is ideal for parents who don’t have much time for parenting

Around the world, millions of people are apparently lying awake at night wondering how to explain to their children why two people of the same sex who love one another should be allowed to marry.

“Why doesn’t anyone think of the children?” they cry. “How on earth will parents like me explain all this to our kids, and why should we have to anyway?!”

Well, don’t worry. It can be an extremely confusing subject for some people, but this handy guide will help you navigate these radical changes.

The dreaded question

The day will soon come (if it hasn’t already) when your child turns to you and hits you with it.

The dreaded question: “Mummy/Daddy, how come those two women (or two men) are getting married?”

What to do

You may experience one or more brief but alarming physical symptoms.

First, your heart may sink and/or thump quite heavily. Your palms and forehead may become hot and clammy, and you may notice your breathing becoming unusually shallow.

In extreme cases, you may even experience some mild dizziness or nausea — but don’t worry, these will pass. I promise that you WILL get through this, just follow these steps.

C P R

The acronym you MUST remember is: “C.P.R.”

Now, we’ll take this niiice and slow…

C

‘C’ stands for COMPOSURE.

Take a moment, and COMPOSE yourself.

Take a nice, deeeep breath. Now another. Remember, the world hasn’t ended. That sound is your heart pounding — not the thumping hooves of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

You’re doing great.

P

‘P’ stands for POSITIVE.

Once you’ve composed yourself, and taken some deep breaths, aim to summon a positive inflection in your voice, ideally tinged with casual indifference (American readers may refer to this as ‘breeziness’). Think of positive memories from your childhood or some recent all-inclusive holiday you enjoyed. FOR GOD’S SAKE KEEP IT TOGETHER.

R

Now. We’re at ‘R’ already. You’re doing well. Let’s focus in for this last part.

‘R’ simply stands for RECITE.

It means that you should recite the following sentence to your inquisitive child in answer to their question about why two people of the same sex might be allowed to marry.

“Because they are two grown-ups who are very much in love with each other so they’ve decided to make a life-long commitment by getting married.”

…and relax!

You have conquered this seemingly impossible task without harming either yourself or your child.

Phew!

You’re now equipped and ready to explain ‘same-sex marriage’ (nowadays simply referred to as ‘marriage’), to your kids or even to total strangers!

Great job!

Now, if you continue to be a good parent — as I’m sure you are — your child will grow up to be a well-adjusted, happy, wonderful, open-minded, respectful human being.

And if you fancy reading the full, unabridged version of this guide, feel free to click here.

These guides are brought to you in association with common sense, dignity and mutual respect.

Gifs from Giphy. This article has no association with 30 Rock, Tina Fey or any person, show or gif shown... Though I love them dearly and hope they don’t mind : )